By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)
What up, Pimps?
Welcome one and welcome all to the Finton’s Frolic right opinion zone. I’ll be honest with you, I’m gonna have to keep things short today. I have a 10 1/2 hour shift at my day job, and my new kitten Nala decided it would be a good idea to break my one and only phone charger. I type these up on my notes. It is, in fairness, largely my fault for only having one charger though; quite reminiscent to us in a few positions last season. I’m looking to add more depth.
So in order to keep this piece brief I figured I’d go ahead and list 49 things we learned this preseason. It’s genuinely been the best I’ve ever witnessed as an Arsenal fan, therefore I chose the number 49 (seeing as we’ll go invincible again) rather than those ever-basic threes, fives or sometimes tens that are so frequent in the journalism world. Let’s get right into it. Each will only be about a sentence or so, and other writers can potentially even riff off of each reason to make an article. I really hope they do with some .. the six of y’all that read these know where this is going.
Gabriel Jesus is the best player and human to ever exists. I joked about it earlier this season, but now I’m serious.
Eddie Nketiah looks hungrier than that one red guy on TalkSport at a buffet coming into the season.
Bukayo Saka is God. Jesus may actually be his son.
Ben White is more than capable of playing at right back.
Cedric is still incapable of playing right back. Or anywhere else for that matter.
Saliba induces saliva. He’s so damn good. Even better than we hoped.
Reputable journalists concerned with saving face and stepping gingerly are completely ignoring a player who’s arguably our most talented. And rightfully from them and I, mind you.
Reiss Nelson is still a thing.
Matt Turner sounds like someone mocking an American accent. “Radical bro!”
Ramsdale loves finding Martinelli. Maybe he’s who scouted him. Badum tss.
Jesus and Nketiah are better than Haaland and Nuñez.
Orlando is red.
London is red.
England is red.
The world is red, and not only because of Arsenal. #Fire #ClimateChange.
Arsenal make the best kits.
Zinchenko is apparently nicknamed “Zinky Winky”.
Ramsdale is known as Boris Johnson to Mr. Zinky Winky.
Arsenal is absolutely gargantuan, even more so than we thought. The bowl in Orlando was redder than Alan Brazil (that red TalkSport guy mentioned earlier) sitting upon the earth’s flame covered crust.
Nürnberg exists.
Some fans really WANT Matt Turner to flop.
If Ben White is assassinated it was definitely a Saliba fan.
Frimpon is apparently always late. I learned this after bumping into him in Orlando. Frimpbaumayeng.
Edu is a pretty cool guy.
Arteta is intense as hell.
Amazon makes 648 trailers when they want people to watch a show of theirs.
*Insert more Jesus propaganda.*
Oh yeah real thing, Ødegaard is the club captain.
Speaking of the skipper, Ødegaard looks great in pink.
Saka looks great in pink too.
Fuck me, Smith Rowe looks awfully dashing as well.
Everybody looks good in pink! Except Gary Neville and again Alan Brazil. They look bad in every color.
Either Arsenal are back or the teams we played in preseason are dog water.
It still feels good to see Lamela lose even when he’s not a Tottenham player.
Arteta has this fan base excited.
If Jesus’ hand phone has a limited number of minutes he’s gonna have to pay an overage fee.
Apparently AFTV is still a YouTube channel.
Xhaka is pretty good.
Lokonga looks full of potential. And he has very smooth skin.
Logan Paul is now directly affiliated with Arsenal Football Club.
KSI is apparently not cringe at all, but Logan Paul is (disagree, both extremely cringe).
Prime is actually a decent drink in spite of its annoying founders.
Matt Turner was evidently an Arsenal fan as a kid.
Zinchenko was apparently an Arsenal fan as a kid.
Jesus was apparently an Arsenal fan as a kid.
The Tottenham chicken upon that ball thing was apparently an Arsenal fan as a chick.
Elon Musk looks like an improper fraction.
A totally broke Barcelona is still a more attractive destination than Chelsea.
When Arsenal do good stuff it’s always made out to be foolish. When Tottenham buy mid players it’s considered a “master stroke”.
I love Arsenal, and these new players. Go outside, kiss your cat or dog for me. I hate myself.
Toodloo…!
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