Finton’s Frolic: Hate Kai Havertz? It could be because you’re stupid

By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)

What up, Pimps? 

Welcome one and welcome all to the Finton’s Frolic right opinion zone. Today we’re gonna talk about Kai Havertz; the man who’s hated by every mouth-breathing Arsenal fan with an IQ under 60. 

Let me preface this write-up with a few things. Firstly, most Arsenal fans don’t hate Kai. I’m talking about a very vocal pocket of imbeciles who are the minority. And secondly, I’m not sure I’ve ever felt the need to defend a player in online spaces from internal abuse who is this … damn … good. Finally, on that note, Kai is good at football. 

I sincerely hope there are some who clicked on this piece because I rage-baited them into doing so with my provocative headline. 

This is a message for you, my friend: 

You are dumb. And I’m not joking. I mean it. 

So anyways, let’s get into why you (or they, if you’re not in the vocal minority) are such a moron. 

Kai has been one of our most potent attackers for two seasons now. He may not be many’s cup of tea, but let’s have it right: he is a goal-contribution machine and good at a lot of stuff. 

Much like the man who he is a regeneration of — Thomas Müller — you can’t really nail him down to one position, and well, I’ll be honest, he’s not world-class at basically anything, just good at many things. Like a Swiss Army knife. 

You wouldn’t use him to slice through a filet mignon, nor to slay a dragon, but man can that blade open a stubborn package. 

(Before any try to correct me, Kai clearly is a Müller regen. He’s a “ramdeuter,” stands over 6 feet tall, is German, and you can’t lock him down to one role. But he contributes to goals a lot.)

Kai is very good, like Müller, at being a massive — literally — pain in the ass, who is adequate at dozens of aspects of the game.

Some of which, again like Müller, include adopting ridiculously good positions in the box, duel winning, quick thinking, hold-up play, ball retention, heading the ball, general gamesmanship and scoring goals. 

Kai and Müller both have this very peculiar talent where they can score a ton of goals, but rarely strike the ball with real venom. 

That’s perhaps their biggest similarity. 

“But Daniel, he’s not a stryker.”

You spelt it wrong. But that’s correct. He’s not a striker. And he’s not a midfielder either. 

“Well, what the hell is he then?” 

A somewhat useful life form unlike you. 

But in all seriousness, I’m not sure in the traditional sense, but I’ll ask you this. What is Müller? And you can’t say a ramdeuter, because that’s what Kai is, too. That’s not a traditional position. 

“…”

Would you have taken Müller in his prime? He was pretty good, huh? 

He just so happened to be surrounded by some of the best players in the world — Ribery, Robben, Lewandowski, etc. — and look what happened. League titles, a World Cup, and more. 

It’s genuinely possible that Kai could reach Müller-esque success with an even better team around him. He is far from the weakest link in our attack. He’s just the one who gets the most stick because he’s played for a rival. 

The guy has scored a Champions League winning goal for crying out loud. 

Do you find it AT ALL interesting that Bayern looked at Kai over the summer with Müller ageing? He’s a readymade replacement for a club legend of theirs. I’m willing to bet they’d be aiming to build something incredible around him, allowing him to dovetail with the likes of Harry Kane, winning loads. 

“…”

Just because a player doesn’t fall into a position that is widely understood doesn’t mean they’re not useful. 

Kai runs a 10k — more or less — every single game, fights for every ball, plays wherever he’s asked to, and gets goal involvements well … checks notes, a lot. 

So why, exactly do people hate him? 

I think it’s because we so desperately want a forward who essentially does all the things for us, scores all the goals, and wins us all the hardware. 

Football isn’t that simple, though. Individuals don’t win you everything unless they are quite literally the best on earth. You need Kais to keep things ticking. 

There’s an impression from some that Kai is preventing that catch-all, win-us-everything forward from coming in. Perhaps because Benjamin Sesko said so before. 

Sesko literally said he was worried about playtime at Arsenal because Kai is so fucking good. Yet our own fans don’t rate him. 

But I do truly think we’ll bring in a very good striker at some point. Maybe even Sesko. And don’t be surprised if Kai plays in the same team with him, or whomever it ends up being. 

As Müller did with Lewandowski. 

Let me not get lost in the sauce. The point I’m trying to make is simple. 

Kai is a good player, he will be useful for us going into the future, and will give his all for this club. 

In fact, he’s already doing so. 

The guy burst into tears after scoring our final goal of the Premier League season as we narrowly lost the league title to Manchester City on the final day. Those tears were true. He cares about this club and succeeding with it. 

He even said winning at Arsenal means more than it does at Chelsea. 

He would know because as I previously alluded to, he already has done so. 

Kai is saying and doing all the right things. But as is the case with everything to do with hate, it is rooted in irrational ignorance with zero basis or credibility. 

Put your agenda in a far away, dank drawer — perhaps filled with Rob Worthington’s vomit (Arsenal Cannon Podcast reference) — and support this footballer who is giving his all for our club. 

Or don’t. 

Doesn’t matter. 

He’ll keep scoring you goals while your blood pressure continues to rise, since you just hate him so much because he’s the reason you’re a virgin, after all. 

His credibility will keep rising, along with his stock in the eyes of us who know how to count past 10, as you cry alone in your bedroom. 

Toodloo …!